The App Tester
“Kathyyourenotgoingtobelievethis!” At that moment, Gilbert O'Neill was the world’s fastest talker. He panted like he’d just won the 100-meter Olympic dash. “I need to sit down.”
“You are sitting down,” Kathy said. She rested her hand on his. “You need to slow down.”
“Thisisincredible. Absolutelyamazing.” Gilbert's heart galloped as if caffeine were dripping directly into his vein. He willed his heart and breathing to decelerate with only partial success. “Ican’tbelievethis.” He twisted his hand and eyed his phone from several angles before continuing. “This has never happened before.”
“Never happened before?” Kathy raised an eyebrow and took a sip of her coffee.
“When I say ‘never,’ I mean never before in the world. Not just to me. As in never ever."
They sat at a table at the far end of the coffee shop. Omni Coffee hummed with a dozen overlapping conversations, aromas of sweet, nutty, herbal, and floral coffees filling the room. Thick indoor trees dotted the landscape of teak chairs and round oak tables, and on those tables were coffee cups with pictures of farmers harvesting beans.
Gilbert’s blonde hair, deep-set blue eyes, and handsome face gave him a movie-star look, while Kathy was an actual star, frequently featured in television commercials. They were in their late thirties.
“Do we need to go to a bar for some liquid calm?”
Gilbert pushed his cup to the middle of the table. “Here is fine. Just give me a second.” He exhaled a long breath as he gathered his thoughts. “Scoot over. You need to see this. It can’t be explained, only seen.”
Gilbert held his phone at eye level with Kathy. “Okay. What do you see?”
Kathy cocked her head sideways. “The New York Times app?”
“Right, right. It’s a beta version. I mean alpha. It’s the one that hasn’t even been released by the Times yet. I sideloaded it.”
“Sideloaded?”
“Yeah. Android only wants you to download apps from their official store, but there are websites where you can download alternate apps, anything at all. Experimental apps, apps in testing, games, NSFW apps —”
Kathy kicked Gilbert’s foot.
“I don’t have any not-safe-for-work apps.”
She pouted.
“I promise. Anyway, you know how I’m a news junkie.”
Kathy knew. How many people still subscribed to a paper newspaper, let alone two, the New York Times and the Washington Post? Every time they retired a phone or tablet, Gibert converted that device to an always-on news display. She doubted that CNN had more news screens running in their studio than Gilbert had at home.
“I wanted the newest Times app and found a pre-pre-version on a sideload site.”
“Isn’t that dangerous? Couldn’t the app have a virus or something?”
“Yes, but I can always switch to my backup phone if something goes wrong. Plus, I have an app that monitors other apps for dangerous activities, like consuming higher-than-normal CPU cycles, accessing functions without permission, or making uploads it’s not supposed to.”
“Aren’t we getting a little off track? Weren’t you going to show me something?” Kathy asked.
Gilbert brought the phone closer to his wife. “Look.” He tapped on a story on the Times’ front page. Five Novels that Make You Feel Like You’re Traveling Even When You’re Not. He tapped on another. Housing Starts Rebound. And one more Justice Dept to Review Pharma Merger.
“Okay. So?”
Gilbert swiped again. “Look more closely.”
“What am I looking for?” Kathy’s eyes darted from side to side and up and down.
“You’ll find it.”
After a few seconds, Kathy said. “The date. It says October 22, 2009. Fifteen years ago.” She shrugged. “So the app you thought was an untested New York Times app turns out to be an app that displays old news. That’s handy and fun, but not earth-shattering.”
Gilbert shook his head. “It’s a fifteen-year-old Times, yes, but it’s more than that. He scrolled several pages and pointed. President Gore Announces New National Park.
“President Gore?” Kathy curled her lips. “It’s a joke app. A mashup of real and fake.”
“I don’t think so.” Gilbert swiped forward several more screens. “Look.”
Gilbert O'Neill, Fiona May Engaged. Gilbert O’Neill, Chief of Staff to Ohio Senator Antonia Glass, and Fiona May, a lawyer at Sugarman, Lloyd, and Haver, announced their engagement today. The couple plans to wed in October.
Kathy squeezed the phone so hard it bent.
Her hands shook. “What is that? Is this some kind of sick joke? Your engagement announcement to somebody else.” Kathy thrust her hand in front of Gilbert’s face, her wedding ring hovering as close to his eye as it could get without touching. Kathy squeezed her other hand into a fist. “What is going on?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. It’s bizarre.” Kathy winced when Gilbert called her sweetheart.
Gilbert continued, “It’s an alternate history New York Times. Al Gore winning the election. And there’s more.” Gilbert read another headline. Toyota Extends E-Car Range to 1,500 Miles. “Toyota released their first EV in 2001, but the range of the 2000’s cars was under 250 miles. And this—” Northern Lights Seen by Thousands in Miami. “That’s not possible. The aurora’s never been visible that far south.”
“Who is Fiona May?” Kathy’s voice shattered the coffee shop’s calm. “Who the hell is she?”
“She’s nobody. Just a woman I dated years before you and I met.”
Kathy jerked her hand away before Gilbert could reach it. “She’s obviously not a nobody if she’s in this app.” Kathy snapped a plastic spoon. “Either you tell me who she is, or you can think about it all night while sleeping on the couch.”
Gilbert held his hands out, palms to the ceiling. “Look, I dated her. I’ve lost contact with her. We haven’t spoken since before you and I met. I swear.”
“How long did you date?”
“A few months, I think.”
“Did you have feelings for her?”
“Yeah, probably, but if anything, she was more in love with me than I was”— Gilbert skipped a beat—“infatuated with her. Our relationship was an ‘overly attached girlfriend’ meme. She clung to me. It was no big deal, done and over. Everyone has a past.” Gilbert rewound his words and bit his lip. That didn’t come out right.
“She wouldn’t let me go. She suffocated me. Plus, she was deep into crystals, auras, and other weird stuff. When I exited that relationship, I felt overwhelming relief.” Am I making things better?
“I wouldn’t say she was flighty, just into hooey mystical stuff.” Shut up, Gilbert. Stop talking about Fiona.
“Your past has now intruded into our present, and I don’t like it Gil, not at all. Something’s fishy to me.” Kathy narrowed her eyes. “It’s almost as if you’re having an affair with this ex, and this app is somebody’s way of letting me know. It could be Bruce. Of all your friends, he seems most genuinely concerned about my wellbeing. He'd want me to know.”
Gilbert sighed. “Or this could be an alternative history. Somehow, the phone’s tapped into a quantum field, or it’s absorbing tachyons.” Gilbert shook his head. “Whatever’s happening, it’s beyond our scientific understanding.”
“Tachywhat?” Kathy shook her head. “No, never mind. The fact that you showed this to me tells me that you know that the evidence of your affair is about to surface. Otherwise, why would you show me such an upsetting thing?"
Gilbert held the phone as if it were a stick of dynamite. He pinched the photo of himself and his supposed fiance, zooming in on his face. “It’s an old photo of me. I look younger, don’t I? And the photo of Fiona, she’s young, too. If somebody were sending a message about me having an affair—which I am most emphatically not—it’s a rather convoluted and elaborate way of accomplishing that.”
Kathy harrumphed. “You're in a lot of trouble. Now it all makes sense, you spending so much time on your phone, the screen hidden from me. I should have known.”
"We both spend a lot of time on our phones. That's what people do."
"I can't believe this." Kathy wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
Gilbert double-tapped Fiona’s photograph. "She's just an ex—"
He vanished. His phone dropped onto the table, making a bang.
Kathy screamed.
She picked up his phone. The New York Times app displayed an article from a different date in the past.
November 9, 2012. Gilbert and Fiona O’Neill Announce the Birth of Twins. Ohio Congressman Gilbert O’Neill and his wife announced the birth of Circe and Allegra, twin girls. O’Neill was elected to the United States Senate five days ago after serving as Chief of Staff to Senator Antonia Glass. The former Fiona May heads the American Society of Witches and Warlocks.
The article showed a picture of a smiling Gilbert, Fiona, and their newborns. Fiona in the photo winked.
Kathy screamed again.
If you enjoyed The App Tester, I think you’ll like my short story, Hopscotching.
And thus I have a phone that does NOT use apps! Bwahaha!
I got this story in email. After reading it, I scrolled back to the top of the email. Next to the title of the story, a button for this website offers me, "Read In App." I thought two things: ironic and not today, Satan.