The Dating Editor
Sometimes, we need a little help
“How did it go? Was she an obtrusive third wheel? You know, like when your best buddy, Tony, insists on coming along on your date because he’s seen all the Friends’ reruns at least four times and is bored. And...afterward, when you brought your date home, did the editor become a bedside coach, giving you step-by-step love-making instructions?”
Tony grinned and elbowed Charles in the ribs.
Charles took a long swig of his Rogue IPA and set his glass on the coaster. He used the time to consider his reply.
It was Friday, with every seat taken, the overflow crowd juggling beers, phones, and chicken wings. Patrick’s Pub buzzed with a hundred overlapping conversations. Even though the summer’s light still lingered beyond the bar’s doors, darkness cloaked the pub, the backlit bottles behind the bar the only illumination.
“It was our first date, so nothing happened in the bedroom.” Charles recognized his mistake the moment he spoke the words. “Not that I’d tell you if it did.” He shot Tony an awkward wink, grabbed his glass, and finished his beer. “The date went great if you must know, thanks to the Dating Editor. My tongue always knots when I talk to women. I say stupid things, use the wrong words, speak sentences that meander in a dozen directions, like a drunk lost in a mirror maze, and babble in an unintelligible English dialect. I speak Pig Latin mixed with Gibberish with bits of Klingon thrown in. With friends, I sound like Tom Cruise saying his movie lines. Talking to the boss, I rock. Even when a traffic cop pulls me over, words glide out of my mouth. But with women, I’m a holy mess.”
“I gather you’re not the only guy with talking troubles, given that the Dating Editor’s service is thriving.” Tony blew on his knuckles and rubbed them against his shirt. “As for me, I was gifted with a silver tongue, so I always say the right thing. But enough about me; tell me about your date.”
“I booked a table for three at Pasta Paradise. By the time I arrived, Jennifer, the Dating Editor, was already there, waiting at the maître d's station. We sat at a booth, Advika and I facing each other and Jennifer to my right. I offered Jennifer breadsticks, but she said she’s not allowed to eat while working.
“Before I said anything to Advika, I turned toward Jennifer and whispered my thoughts. Jennifer tapped my arm if the sentence was correct or whispered back an edited version when I made a mistake. She worked without consulting a dictionary, like she was a simultaneous translator.”
Tony scooped up a fistful of nuts, leaned back, and deposited them in his mouth.
“Oddly, having an editor at my side made my sentences sloppier than usual. I mixed tenses, and every other sentence was a run-on.”
“Maybe you were just nervous because you like Advika.”
“Yeah, it could be. I think I was using my editor as a crutch, figuring she’d correct any mistakes before I uttered them.”
“First dates are hard work.”
"I'd rather be back in algebra class."
"You would?" Tony ran his fingers through his blond hair.
"No, not really." Charles smiled. "Several times, my editor stopped me from mixing up you and your. When I told Advika about my favorite movies, Jennifer suggested I pause between the second to last and last movies I mentioned.”
Tony raised an eyebrow.
“The pause was to simulate an Oxford comma.”
Tony nodded. “Makes sense.”
“I don’t usually mess up noun-verb agreement, but without my editor, I would have said, ‘My two brothers is both doctors.’”
“Yikes!” Tony’s hands shook, transforming the beer into a tumultuous ocean, spilling liquid over the glass.
Charles offered him his napkin and reached across the bar to retrieve more. “Jennifer suggested I say ‘It is good to meet you,’ instead of ‘It’s good to meet you,’ lest I give the impression that I didn't know the difference between ‘its’ with and without an apostrophe. Without the Dating Editor, I would have said, ‘Irregardless of whether we have a second date, I’ve enjoyed tonight.’”
“That would have been uber embarrassing.”
“The only time I didn’t take her advice was when I started a sentence with, ‘however.’ But Jennifer understood that as the author of these sentences, I was the final decider. Her expression didn’t change when I barreled ahead with ‘however.’ She's a pro."
“At least you didn’t claim to be well-hanged.”
Charles slugged Tony, who took the hit in stride.
“Are you going to hire Jennifer for your second date with Advika?”
“I probably should. Sometimes I feel like I can do without an editor, but I know I can’t. I admire people who speak with perfect grammar.”
"They're usually the ones with perfect teeth on CNN. It sounds like a great date.”
Charles bit his lip. He caught the bartender’s attention, waved his empty glass, mouthed “another,” and waited for a refill before answering, “It was fun, but here’s the weird thing. I felt closer to Jennifer than I did to Advika.”
“I see.”
“Jennifer’s on Match.com, which means she’s available.”
“And?”
“I'm going to ask her out. We’re in sync grammatically. Plus, she already knows my flaws.”
If you enjoyed The Dating Editor, I think you’ll like my story, Music Never Dies. Here are what some readers said about Music Never Dies: "Extraordinary tale," "That was beautiful," "Lovely and touching."
Very clever, sir. And probably altogether too close to a near future.
I should have seen that coming?